Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Manly wise : Its-hilarious

Manly wise : Its-hilarious

A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is HONEST.

A man, who surrenders when he's not sure, is WISE.

But, a man who surrenders when he's right is a HUSBAND!

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Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious

Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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Careful what you wish for : Its-hilarious


Careful what you wish for : Its-hilarious

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....



Male readers: Continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are not really that smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

The same joke could be reversed (i.e Man saves frog and so on......)

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What a woman really means : Its-hilarious


Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need. . . = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk. . . = I need to complain
Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = . . . and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper. . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

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women are complicated : Its-hilarious

women are complicated : Its-hilarious

1. (Whatever)

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...

Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.

Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?

Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything

Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we
watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.

Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?

Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide

Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.

Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance

Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide

Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...

Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything


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http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funny-hilarious-jokes/id492166165?ls=1&mt=8
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Its-hilariouscom/193947747290918
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Fights in marriage : Its-hilarious

Fights in marriage : Its-hilarious

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

=========================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
=========================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

=========================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

=========================
A woman is standing and looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

=========================

***I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....
=========================

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
=========================

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Politicians on min wage!

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Monday, January 30, 2012

Guts or Balls : Its-hilarious

Guts or Balls : Its-hilarious

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.

But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

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Haven`t Received a Single Payment. : Its-hilarious

Haven`t Received a Single Payment. : Its-hilarious

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.

"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven`t received a single payment."

"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months."

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promiscuous : Its-hilarious

promiscuous : Its-hilarious

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!

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Women can be very dangerous : Its-hilarious

Women can be very dangerous : Its-hilarious

"The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the damn chair.'

MORAL:

Women......... Don't mess with them !!!"

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I don't like it!

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Sunday, January 29, 2012

10 facts about you!

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Misbehaving in School : Its-hilarious

Misbehaving in School : Its-hilarious

A seven year old boy had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother:
Teacher: I have called you to inform that your son has been misbehaving ever since he resumed school.

Mother: Wait a minute, I had my son here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.

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Messages in Women's Restroom walls : Its-hilarious

Messages in Women's Restroom walls : Its-hilarious

1. Friends don't let their friends take home a ugly men. from n a Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" in a -from a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember

3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. in from a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! From a a -Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. from a -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

6. No wonder you always go home alone. From a Sign over mirror in Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA

7. Beauty is only a light switch away in a restroom in the -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The Irish Times, Washington, DC

9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. From Revolution Books, New York, New York

11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. from a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

12. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. --The Janitor

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54 year old woman's conversation with GOD. : Its-hilarious

54 year old woman's conversation with GOD. : Its-hilarious

54 year old woman's conversation with GOD.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ?

(You'll love this)

God replied: "Sorry! I didn't recognize you!"

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