Friday, January 27, 2012

How do men attack household chores : Its-hilarious

How do men attack household chores : Its-hilarious

1). Make the beds......
What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that.
Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard.......
It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?
Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......
Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.
Scratch three.

This is easy, what's the fuss.
Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......
Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.
Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor.....

The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.
Scratch five.

Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do.....
That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.

Scratch six.

This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

7). Vacuum the carpets......
That's a hard one.......
Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.
Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch.....

Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet......
Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.
Scratch nine.

Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag and eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry.....
no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer
Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry.....
dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.

Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away....
Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
Scratch twelve.

This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree...
Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......

These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling and that's good for the earth....
Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ......
Yeah right, we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.
They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.

Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner.....
Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".
Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house......

duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.
Scratch seventeen.

WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.

Wish I was a chick !

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Because I am a man : Its-hilarious

Because I am a man : Its-hilarious

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

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Women's comeback to pick up lines : Its-hilarious

Women's comeback to pick up lines : Its-hilarious

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Probability that you have done something wrong!

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Thursday, January 26, 2012

I can sleep anywhere

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Piece Of Her Mind : Its-hilarious

Piece Of Her Mind : Its-hilarious

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. "I'm afraid her mind's completely gone," he said.

"Makes sense," mumbled the man. "She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years ."


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Support a Family : Its-hilarious

Support a Family : Its-hilarious


"The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, ""Son, can you support a family?""

""Well, no, sir,"" he replied. ""I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."""


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Wishing For more Genies : Its-hilarious

Wishing For more Genies : Its-hilarious

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

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The Cow With The Pig : Its-hilarious

The Cow With The Pig : Its-hilarious

A fat lady walks into a bar with a pig under her arm.

The bartender asks: "where did you get the cow?"

The fat lady says "its not a cow its a pig", and the bartender says, " I was talking to the pig"

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Why Women are important in our life : Its-hilarious

Why Women are important in our life : Its-hilarious

1. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
2. It's imp to have a woman who likes you.
3. It's imp to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
4. It's imp to have a woman who can make you laugh.
5. It's imp to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
6. It's imp to have a woman who is good in bed.
7. It's very important that these 7 women do not know each other

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Marriage brings fortune : Its-hilarious

Marriage brings fortune : Its-hilarious

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Finding perfect men : Its-hilarious

Finding perfect men : Its-hilarious

At a local bar, a young woman was explaining her idea of a perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing. And stay home at night!"

An old lady overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"


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Finding perfect men : Its-hilarious

Finding perfect men : Its-hilarious

At a local bar, a young woman was explaining her idea of a perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing. And stay home at night!"

An old lady overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

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What do you say about such friends!

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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Do I look fat?

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Maid is better at everything : Its-hilarious

Maid is better at everything : Its-hilarious

*The maid (Maria) asked for a pay raise*.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want a raise

The first is that I press the clothes better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

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Wife`s routine for fixing Breakfast : Its-hilarious

Wife`s routine for fixing Breakfast : Its-hilarious

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife`s routine for fixing breakfast and presented the results to the class.

"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?", the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven."

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What do you think about your wife : Its-hilarious

What do you think about your wife : Its-hilarious


Different Opinions about Different Wives


1. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

3. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

4. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

5. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

7. 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

8. 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

9. 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

10. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

12. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

13. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

14. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

15. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

16. First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

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Southwest always pulls out in time : Its-hilarious

Southwest always pulls out in time : Its-hilarious


A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

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You Gotta Be Dead : Its-hilarious

You Gotta Be Dead : Its-hilarious

You Gotta Be Dead

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
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No toilet paper this side either : Its-hilarious

No toilet paper this side either : Its-hilarious

Oh! These men and women

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?
A: He knows it's a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Oh! These men and women : Its-hilarious

Oh! These men and women : Its-hilarious

Oh! These men and women

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?
A: He knows it's a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Chevy Truck For Sale : Its-hilarious

Chevy Truck For Sale : Its-hilarious

Chevy Truck For Sale

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."
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Effectiveness of a home gym!




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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Whitner!


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You have my sympathy : Its-hilarious

You have my sympathy : Its-hilarious

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said,

"I've found a man just like father!"

Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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some thoughts : Its-hilarious

some thoughts : Its-hilarious

If I rest, I Rust

Success should not go to head and failure should not go to heart.

TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More.

Light travels faster then sound... which is why most people appear brilliant until you hear them.

Happiness is like a butterfly, which when pursued is just beyond your grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly may alight upon you.

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work, and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group, there is less competition there.

The larger the lake of knowledge the longer the shore of wonder.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will know peace.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy.
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