its-hilarious

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Maid is better at everything : Its-hilarious

*The maid (Maria) asked for a pay raise*.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want a raise

The first is that I press the clothes better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) 'Ah! Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Mam... Your driver says.
Wife: 'Ok Ok, So how much do you want?'

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Wife`s routine for fixing Breakfast : Its-hilarious

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife`s routine for fixing breakfast and presented the results to the class.

"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."

"Did it work?", the teacher asked.

"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven."

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What do you think about your wife : Its-hilarious

Different Opinions about Different Wives

1. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

3. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

4. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

5. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas

6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

7. 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

8. 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

9. 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

10. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

12. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

13. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

14. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

15. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

16. First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

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Southwest always pulls out in time : Its-hilarious

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

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You Gotta Be Dead : Its-hilarious

You Gotta Be Dead

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

No toilet paper this side either : Its-hilarious

Oh! These men and women

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?
A: He knows it's a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Oh! These men and women : Its-hilarious

Oh! These men and women

Chevy Truck For Sale : Its-hilarious

Chevy Truck For Sale

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."