"I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Trust in a drunk : Its-hilarious
Trust in a drunk : Its-hilarious
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Steal from a drunk : Its-hilarious
Steal from a drunk : Its-hilarious
"A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ""They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,"" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Never mind,"" he said with a hiccup, ""I got in the back seat by mistake.""
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Never mind,"" he said with a hiccup, ""I got in the back seat by mistake.""
Soul searching guide for drunks : Its-hilarious
Soul searching guide for drunks : Its-hilarious
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
How to save your beer on your trip to the rest room : Its-hilarious
How to save your beer on your trip to the rest room : Its-hilarious
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
What can you get for 50 bucks? : Its-hilarious
What can you get for 50 bucks? : Its-hilarious
A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
Friday, February 3, 2012
Shitty memorandum : Its-hilarious
Shitty memorandum : Its-hilarious
| Shit memorandum |
| TO: All Employees FROM: Communications Services SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.) If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.) Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.) If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program Thank You. Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G S.H.I.T) More on: http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funny-hilarious-jokes/id492166165?ls=1&mt=8 http://www.its-hilarious.com/ http://www.facebook.com/pages/Its-hilariouscom/193947747290918 |
Real Meaning of words used in performance reviews : Its-hilarious
Real Meaning of words used in performance reviews : Its-hilarious
Have your performance ever been evaluated by your manager? In that case, you might have come across the following terms. These terms have a deeper meaning. Here's what it really means . . .
- Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
- Good Communication Skills.....Spends lots of time on phone
- Average Employee..........Not too bright
- Exceptionally Well Qualified...Made no major blunders... yet
- Work is First Priority.............Too ugly to get a date
- Active Socially........................Drinks a lot
- Family is Active Socially..........Spouse drinks, too
- Independent Worker.......Nobody knows what he/she does
- Quick Thinking...............Offers plausible excuses
- Careful Thinker....................Won't make a decision
- Aggressive.........................Obnoxious
- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs........Gets someone else to do it
- Expresses Themselves Well.........Speaks English
- Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker
- Has Leadership Qualities......Is tall or has a loud voice
- Exceptionally Good Judgment...........Lucky
- Career Minded.........................Back Stabber
- Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else
- Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
- Good Communication Skills.....Spends lots of time on phone
- Average Employee..........Not too bright
- Exceptionally Well Qualified...Made no major blunders... yet
- Work is First Priority.............Too ugly to get a date
- Active Socially........................Drinks a lot
- Family is Active Socially..........Spouse drinks, too
- Independent Worker.......Nobody knows what he/she does
- Quick Thinking...............Offers plausible excuses
- Careful Thinker....................Won't make a decision
- Aggressive.........................Obnoxious
- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs........Gets someone else to do it
- Expresses Themselves Well.........Speaks English
- Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker
- Has Leadership Qualities......Is tall or has a loud voice
- Exceptionally Good Judgment...........Lucky
- Career Minded.........................Back Stabber
- Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else
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Single line wisdom If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal a : Its-hilarious
Single line wisdom
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
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