How do these people survive?

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply

'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true..)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at  work was seen putting a credit card into her  floppy drive and pulling it out very  quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently  saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her  car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!

 

FIVE

Several years  ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother  calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if  she needs to take her kid to the emergency room,  the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Quotes on marriage

• Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not
  the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

• Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
  should be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde

• Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb

• I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

--Sam Kinison

• Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later;
  for another thing, they die earlier.

--H. L. Mencken

• When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.


• When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

-- Anonymous

• Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

•   When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
  be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

•  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back
  to home always.

--Anonymous

• I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
  She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about
  the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the
  estimate.

--Anonymous

• She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

 She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs... .."

--Anonymous

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor,
who do you let in first?  The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up
after u let him in!

--Anonymous

"My wife's first husband."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this  demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied "My wife's first husband."

Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled It really works ! "

Questions You Can't Answer

•   Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


•  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


•  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


• Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


• Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?


• Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground
  Did you ever stop and wonder...... . 


• • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
  
  
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  
  
  • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  
  
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  
  
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 
  
  

• Guys, Stop singing and listen on on.....

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
  faster?


•   Do you ever wonder why you gave me a chance to speak in the first place?

Need some Marketting Lessons?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

Successful manager!!!

In order to be a successful manager, pass the following management test:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.


Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been paying attention? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Here are some Dilbert one liners

1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

And my favourite ...

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Obviously written by some male chauvinist - hope you can 'handle it'?!

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ...and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Banking Procedure for Male and Female:

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on it.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Miscellaneous Jokes

Obedient Game

The mother of many children lined up her family.

"The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he's told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week."

"It's not fair," said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. "Daddy' will win easily."

Blood Group

Doctor to patient: Aapka aur aapki biwi ka Blood Group ek hi hai?
Patient: Hoga jarur hoga;
25 saal se mera khoon jo pee rahi hai

Bravery: Guts vs Balls

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.

But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

You scared the daylights out of me

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.....

GETTING INTO FIGHTS

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn’t been talking to each other.


Instead, they were giving each other written notes.


One evening he gave her a paper where it said:


“Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.”


The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o’clock.


Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:


“Wake up, it’s 6 o’clock!”

Marriage - A life sentence

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Fried Eggs!

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

A missing person

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

mummy is silent

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Husband and Wife

Wife: kaash main newspaper hoti din bhar tumhare hathon me rehti.

Hus: meri bhi yahi dua hai rab se issi bahane her din nayi nayi to milti

fastest means of communication

First Sardar Ji: What are the fastest means of communication ?

Second Sardar Ji: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

SMS JOKES

Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?



Aftr robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!

Sharing

A couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded “When we were first married, we came to an agreement to share. I would make all the major decisions, and my wife would make all the minor decisions.”

“But do you know what I just realized?”

“In 60 years of marriage I don’t think we have never needed to make a major decision.”.

Relatives of yours

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

4 Mothers and their sons

FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third
Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three
women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome,
6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a
room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!

Men

Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.

Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife."

Can you spare a dollar

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?”

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”

“No,” says the bum.

The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?”

Again the bum says, “No.”

So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Sheep theory

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.

"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Misunderstanding with the B.C.

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant,
especially in language. She and her husband were planning a trip to Florida so
she wrote to a campground they planned to visit and asked for a reservation. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite
know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to
write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashion term
"bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was
being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode
simply as the "B.C."

"Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the
letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about!
That "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile,
he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady
meant, either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking
about the location of the local Baptist church, the owner sat down and wrote the
following reply:

"Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going
regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of
people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late.

My daughter met her husband at the B.C. The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were
there. Sometimes it is so crowded that there are five to a seat. It may interest
you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more
regularly, but it is surely not do to lack of desire on my part. As we grow
older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.

"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with
you.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.