Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." More on: |
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Wife got ready in 10 minutes : Its-hilarious
Wife got ready in 10 minutes : Its-hilarious
Having a good skill, pays : Its-hilarious
Having a good skill, pays : Its-hilarious
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1, Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. More on: |
The Chief's Dilemma : Its-hilarious
So the Medicine man says give him one pill every 5 hours and come back to me in a week.
The son comes back and says "Big Chief no fart!"
So the Medicine man says "give him 2 pills every 3 hours come back to me tomorrow!"
So the son comes back the next day and says big chief no fart!"
The Medicine man says "Really! Give him one bag of pills every hour come back to me tomorrow!!"
The son comes back the next day and exclaims, Big Fart.................No Chief!"
The son comes back and says "Big Chief no fart!"
So the Medicine man says "give him 2 pills every 3 hours come back to me tomorrow!"
So the son comes back the next day and says big chief no fart!"
The Medicine man says "Really! Give him one bag of pills every hour come back to me tomorrow!!"
The son comes back the next day and exclaims, Big Fart.................No Chief!"
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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Manly wise : Its-hilarious
Manly wise : Its-hilarious
A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is HONEST.
A man, who surrenders when he's not sure, is WISE.
But, a man who surrenders when he's right is a HUSBAND!
A man, who surrenders when he's not sure, is WISE.
But, a man who surrenders when he's right is a HUSBAND!
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Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious
Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
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Careful what you wish for : Its-hilarious
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....
Male readers: Continue
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!
Moral of the story: Women are not really that smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!
The same joke could be reversed (i.e Man saves frog and so on......)
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....
Male readers: Continue
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!
Moral of the story: Women are not really that smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!
The same joke could be reversed (i.e Man saves frog and so on......)
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What a woman really means : Its-hilarious
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need. . . = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk. . . = I need to complain
Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = . . . and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper. . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need. . . = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk. . . = I need to complain
Sure. . . go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = . . . and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper. . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
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women are complicated : Its-hilarious
women are complicated : Its-hilarious
| 1. (Whatever) Men: What to have for dinner? Women: Whatever... Men: Why don't we have steamboat? Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face. Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine. Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again? Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea. Men: Then what you suggest? Women: Whatever.. 2. (Anything) Men: So what should we do now? Women: Anything Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we watched movie. Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time. Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises? Women: Exercise in such hot day? Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee. Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep Men: Then what you suggest? Women: Anything 3. (You decide) Men: Then we just go home Women: You decide Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want. Men: Ok we will take a Taxi Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance Men: Alright, then we walk. Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach? Men: Then what you suggest? Women: You decide Men: Let's have dinner first Women: Whatever... Men: What to eat? Women: Anything More on: http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/funny-hilarious-jokes/id492166165?ls=1&mt=8 http://www.facebook.com/pages/Its-hilariouscom/193947747290918 | |
Fights in marriage : Its-hilarious
Fights in marriage : Its-hilarious
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
=========================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
=========================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=========================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
=========================
A woman is standing and looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .
=========================
***I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
=========================
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
=========================
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
=========================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
=========================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=========================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
=========================
A woman is standing and looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .
=========================
***I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
=========================
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
=========================
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