Genie - I can only grant you one wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what will it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"

Women choice in Husband store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you
may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs
and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,
but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and
help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

How to choose right person for the job?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed room with an open window,Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation

If they are counting the Bricks,Put them in the accounts Department.

If they are recounting them....Put them in auditing .

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,thenPut them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the Bricks at each other,Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping,Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks Into pieces,Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle,Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
Been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day,Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the Window,Put them on strategic Planning.

And then last but not least......If they are talking to each other and not a single brick Has been Moved.

Congratulate them and put them In top management

Are Computers Male Or Female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Wrong program?

Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway.

They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic.

The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.

HUSBAND bashing Jokes

1. Husbands For Sale

Anne put an advertisement in the 'classifieds' : Husband Wanted.

Next day Anne received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing : You can have mine.

2. Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom

3. The Honeymoon's Over

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

One Liners

• · Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
• · To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
• · The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
• · Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
• · In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
• · All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.
• · Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
• · Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
• · If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
• · You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
• · Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
• · As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
• · He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
• · If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
• · Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
• · When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
• · If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
• · Especially for engg. Students--If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
• · You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
• · The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
• · After a long wait for bus no..20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
• · If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
• · Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Recession Jokes – half price

• The Recession hits everybody…..
• I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

• I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
• If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
• My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
• Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
• And, finally…
• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

SOME LOGICAL THOUGHTS:

SOME LOGICAL THOUGHTS:

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
_____
To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
_____
The road to success??.. Is always under construction.
___
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
_____
In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back.
_____

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
_____
Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
_____
Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
_____
If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
_____
You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
_____
Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
_____
42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
_____
As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.
_____
He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
_____
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.
_____
Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
_____
When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
_____
If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.
_____
Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
_____
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
_____
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
_____
After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.
_____
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
_____
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
_____
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.
_____
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
_____
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
_____
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
_____
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
_____
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
_____
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
_____

Well done is better than well said .
____
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
_____
Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.
_____
Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIEND

Wife jokes!!!

Wife:          What are you doing?

Husband:        Nothing.

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage 

                certificate for an hour.'

Husband:       'I was looking for the  expiry  date.'

========================================================== 

Wife  :       'Do you want dinner?'

Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife:         'Yes or no.'

========================================================== 

Wife:  'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife:  'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can

there be greater than this one?'

==========================================================
Girl:  'When we get married, I want to share all

your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

==========================================================
 

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told

me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:

 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

==========================================================
 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my

father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER

WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

==========================================================

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

========================================================== 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do

 you like most in me, my pretty face

 or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '

I like your sense of humour!'

==========================================================

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later

 the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an

even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining

consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

wife replied:  'Your Horse phoned!!!

==========================================================
Different Opinions about Different Wives

1. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

3. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

4. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

5. The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does
a woman want?

Dumas

6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

7. 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

8. 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking.. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

9. 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second
one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

10. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

12.  You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

13.  My wife and I were happy for twenty
years. Then we met.

Henny Youngman

14.  A good wife always forgives her
husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

15.  A man inserted an 'ad' in the
classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

16. First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous


3 Answers Men Are Afraid Of

1. (Whatever)

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...
Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.
Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?
Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..
2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.
Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?
Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything
3. (You decide)

Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.
Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything

And the fight started......

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

*************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...

*************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
*******************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
********************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .

**********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

*********
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
********
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissoors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
And then..

Would you get married again?

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....

Family Problems

Two men sitting in the bar:
1st man I have lots of family problems:
2nd I will tell you mine first:
I married to a widow with a daughter,
My father married that daughter,
So my father becomes my son in law,
my daughter becomes my mother,
my wife becomes my grandmother.
More problem occured when I had a son,
now my son is my mother's brother & my uncle ( mama) too.
Situation worsens further when my father had a Son,
Now my father's son is my brother & my grand son too:
Ultimately I have become my own grand father & grand son.
&
you are saying you have family problems>>>>>>>>>

Wife Jokes

Wife:          'What are you doing?'

Husband:        Nothing.

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an 

                hour.'

Husband:       'I was looking for the  expiry  date.'

-------------------------------

Wife  :       Do you want dinner?

Husband:      Sure! What are my choices?

Wife:         Yes or no.

_____________

Wife:  'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your

picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife:  'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can

there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Girl:      

When we get married, I want to share all your worries,troubles and lighten your 

burden.'

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give 

up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:       'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

Honey,the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A 

FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face

 or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the

name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later

 the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an

even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining

consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

wife replied:  'Your Horse phoned!!!

==================================================================================