its-hilarious

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Passenger side windbag : Its-hilarious

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, 'It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag. 'Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked, 'Who's that?''Oh, ' said Steve with a grin, 'another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!'

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Difference between a new husband and a new dog : Its-hilarious

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

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Perfect Couple : Its-hilarious

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?

If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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Lecture Tour with A Difference : Its-hilarious

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

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Husbands, lawn mowers? : Its-hilarious

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. .

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Four weddings : Its-hilarious

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a 'funeral director.'

After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.

The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers.

With a smile on her face she explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Please don't talk that way : Its-hilarious

"A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, ""Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money.""

""Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way,"" his young wife exclaimed. ""You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?""

""Well,"" the old man gasped, ""you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."""

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Marriage : Its-hilarious

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence, a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

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