Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Guts or Balls : Its-hilarious
Guts or Balls : Its-hilarious
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
Haven`t Received a Single Payment. : Its-hilarious
Haven`t Received a Single Payment. : Its-hilarious
A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.
"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven`t received a single payment."
"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months."
promiscuous : Its-hilarious
promiscuous : Its-hilarious
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!
Women can be very dangerous : Its-hilarious
Women can be very dangerous : Its-hilarious
"The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the damn chair.'
MORAL:
Women......... Don't mess with them !!!"
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the damn chair.'
MORAL:
Women......... Don't mess with them !!!"
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Misbehaving in School : Its-hilarious
Misbehaving in School : Its-hilarious
A seven year old boy had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother:
Teacher: I have called you to inform that your son has been misbehaving ever since he resumed school.
Mother: Wait a minute, I had my son here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother:
Teacher: I have called you to inform that your son has been misbehaving ever since he resumed school.
Mother: Wait a minute, I had my son here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
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Messages in Women's Restroom walls : Its-hilarious
Messages in Women's Restroom walls : Its-hilarious
1. Friends don't let their friends take home a ugly men. from n a Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.
2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" in a -from a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember
3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. in from a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! From a a -Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. from a -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
6. No wonder you always go home alone. From a Sign over mirror in Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA
7. Beauty is only a light switch away in a restroom in the -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The Irish Times, Washington, DC
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. From Revolution Books, New York, New York
11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. from a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
12. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. --The Janitor
2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" in a -from a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember
3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. in from a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! From a a -Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. from a -Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
6. No wonder you always go home alone. From a Sign over mirror in Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA
7. Beauty is only a light switch away in a restroom in the -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. from the -The Irish Times, Washington, DC
9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.
10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. From Revolution Books, New York, New York
11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. from a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
12. Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. --The Janitor
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54 year old woman's conversation with GOD. : Its-hilarious
54 year old woman's conversation with GOD. : Its-hilarious
| 54 year old woman's conversation with GOD. |
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance ? (You'll love this) God replied: "Sorry! I didn't recognize you!" |
get married again : Its-hilarious
get married again : Its-hilarious
One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....
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Saturday, January 28, 2012
what can be worse than this : Its-hilarious
what can be worse than this : Its-hilarious
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Give me a new husband : Its-hilarious
Give me a new husband : Its-hilarious
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?
After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead and asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?
After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes.
Robber shot him dead and asked d next clerk: Did u?
2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!
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honeymoon has ended : Its-hilarious
honeymoon has ended : Its-hilarious
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
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don't argue with a woman : Its-hilarious
don't argue with a woman : Its-hilarious
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book??' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book??' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Friday, January 27, 2012
What are men like : Its-hilarious
What are men like : Its-hilarious
.. Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
... Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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