its-hilarious

What the hell is this?????

2012-02-12T14:25:00.003-05:00

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Doctor's say, he will always limp : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Doctor's say, he will always limp : Its-hilarious

When the Lawn mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always have a limp.

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The Burnt Biscuits (Story) : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:19:00.000-05:00

The Burnt Biscuits (Story) : Its-hilarious

When I was a kid, my mom would prepare special breakfast every now and then. And I remember one night in particular, after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: Honey, I love burned biscuits.

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.

He wrapped me in his arms and said, Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone! You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.

What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults - and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own.

God Bless You..... now, and always....

So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine.!.!.!.!
And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life...

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Shower - Men & Women's way : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

Shower - Men & Women's way : Its-hilarious

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

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Get Your Own Blanket : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:15:00.000-05:00

Get Your Own Blanket : Its-hilarious

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

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Oh! These thieves : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:14:00.001-05:00

Oh! These thieves : Its-hilarious

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a fullreport. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

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Kids' views on marriage : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:14:00.000-05:00

Kids' views on marriage : Its-hilarious:

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Rob, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Megan, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

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This one is for the Married : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:12:00.000-05:00

This one is for the Married : Its-hilarious:

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For the married couples : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:10:00.000-05:00

For the married couples : Its-hilarious

Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!

The are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In and Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild,
But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
"The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" "Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."

The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison"

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held,
talked to and
touched often.
But push the wrong button
and you're disconnected......

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Thief spends less than wife : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Thief spends less than wife : Its-hilarious

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company,

"Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright."

"Yes," replied the man. "My card was stolen over a month ago." "Why didn't you report your card as stolen?" asked the card company representative.

The man replied, "Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!"

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Result of Global Recession : Its-hilarious

2012-02-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Result of Global Recession : Its-hilarious

Global Recession and Financial Crisis have become so critical and serious now days that……
majority of the men have started loving their own wives!!!!!!

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Friends!

2012-02-11T09:58:00.004-05:00

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Payslip!!!

2012-02-10T22:47:00.003-05:00

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Will never take our internet!

2012-02-10T06:12:00.001-05:00

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Dear Cupid!

2012-02-09T20:29:00.003-05:00

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Love has no boundaries!!!

2012-02-09T06:08:00.002-05:00

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Caution, Men at work!!!

2012-02-08T19:15:00.000-05:00

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2nd marriage??? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

2nd marriage??? : Its-hilarious

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second Woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the Same offence

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Why Pets Are Better Than Children? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:51:00.000-05:00

Why Pets Are Better Than Children? : Its-hilarious

There are many reasons why pets are better than children. Go through the following list and decide for yourself.

- Eat less.

- Usually come when called.

- Are easier to train.

- Don't ask for money all the time.

- Don't drink or smoke.

- Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

- Never ask to drive the car.

- Don't have to have the latest fashions.

- Don't want to wear your clothes.

- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

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About Marriage! : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

About Marriage! : Its-hilarious

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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What you see is not what you get : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:49:00.000-05:00

What you see is not what you get : Its-hilarious

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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Marriage or jail : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:47:00.001-05:00

Marriage or jail : Its-hilarious

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

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What did you have in mind? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:47:00.000-05:00

What did you have in mind? : Its-hilarious

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."

Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That`s not quite what I had in mind."

Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I`d like a divorce."

He answers, "I hadn`t planned on spending quite that much."

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women need many choices for everything : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:46:00.000-05:00

women need many choices for everything : Its-hilarious

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit
the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you
may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men
have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs
and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,
but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and
help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These
men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

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sell your own husband : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

sell your own husband : Its-hilarious

Husbands For Sale

Anne put an advertisement in the 'classifieds' : Husband Wanted.

Next day Anne received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing : You can have mine.

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Q: Why dogs don't marry? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-08T08:43:00.000-05:00

Q: Why dogs don't marry? : Its-hilarious

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

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Can you believe it???

2012-02-08T05:59:00.003-05:00

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Bedspread for bachelors!

2012-02-07T21:31:00.003-05:00

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Husband of the year!

2012-02-07T05:52:00.001-05:00

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2012-02-06T19:37:00.000-05:00

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Waiting for autmn in art gallery : Its-hilarious

2012-02-06T10:40:00.001-05:00

Waiting for autmn in art gallery : Its-hilarious

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn

No good men but only confused women : Its-hilarious

2012-02-06T10:40:00.000-05:00

No good men but only confused women : Its-hilarious

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousyhusbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

Miss her, pity her : Its-hilarious

2012-02-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

Miss her, pity her : Its-hilarious

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?

Miss her. Pity her.

Have you ever paid for sex : Its-hilarious

2012-02-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

Have you ever paid for sex : Its-hilarious

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."

Who finds me attractive?

2012-02-06T06:17:00.002-05:00

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Evils of Alcohol : Its-hilarious

2012-02-05T08:17:00.000-05:00

Evils of Alcohol : Its-hilarious


	JOKE

Evils of Alcohol !

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of whiskey.

The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"

"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

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Pill can make you fly : Its-hilarious

2012-02-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

Pill can make you fly : Its-hilarious

"A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, ""You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman"""

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Watching a real horror movie!

2012-02-05T08:11:00.001-05:00

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Women thoughts before buying!

2012-02-04T20:25:00.001-05:00

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Signs you are drunk : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

Signs you are drunk : Its-hilarious

"10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up."

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Order properly : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

Order properly : Its-hilarious

"I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

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Trust in a drunk : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

Trust in a drunk : Its-hilarious

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Steal from a drunk : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

Steal from a drunk : Its-hilarious

"A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ""They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,"" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ""Never mind,"" he said with a hiccup, ""I got in the back seat by mistake.""

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Soul searching guide for drunks : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:39:00.000-05:00

Soul searching guide for drunks : Its-hilarious

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

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How to save your beer on your trip to the rest room : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:37:00.000-05:00

How to save your beer on your trip to the rest room : Its-hilarious

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

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What can you get for 50 bucks? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-04T12:36:00.000-05:00

What can you get for 50 bucks? : Its-hilarious

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

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Men thoughts before buying!!!

2012-02-04T07:13:00.001-05:00

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Shitty memorandum : Its-hilarious

2012-02-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

Shitty memorandum : Its-hilarious

Shit memorandum

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.)

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.)

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)

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Real Meaning of words used in performance reviews : Its-hilarious

2012-02-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Real Meaning of words used in performance reviews : Its-hilarious

Have your performance ever been evaluated by your manager? In that case, you might have come across the following terms. These terms have a deeper meaning. Here's what it really means . . .

- Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office

- Good Communication Skills.....Spends lots of time on phone

- Average Employee..........Not too bright

- Exceptionally Well Qualified...Made no major blunders... yet

- Work is First Priority.............Too ugly to get a date

- Active Socially........................Drinks a lot

- Family is Active Socially..........Spouse drinks, too

- Independent Worker.......Nobody knows what he/she does

- Quick Thinking...............Offers plausible excuses

- Careful Thinker....................Won't make a decision

- Aggressive.........................Obnoxious

- Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs........Gets someone else to do it

- Expresses Themselves Well.........Speaks English

- Meticulous Attention to Detail........A nit picker

- Has Leadership Qualities......Is tall or has a loud voice

- Exceptionally Good Judgment...........Lucky

- Career Minded.........................Back Stabber

- Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else

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Single line wisdom If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal a : Its-hilarious

2012-02-03T11:06:00.000-05:00

Single line wisdom

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

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Why Pets Are Better Than Children? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-03T11:04:00.000-05:00

Why Pets Are Better Than Children? : Its-hilarious

- Eat less.

- Usually come when called.

- Are easier to train.

- Don't ask for money all the time.

- Don't drink or smoke.

- Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

- Never ask to drive the car.

- Don't have to have the latest fashions.

- Don't want to wear your clothes.

- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

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Quote of quotes!

2012-02-03T06:20:00.000-05:00

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Why do women cry!!!

2012-02-02T20:07:00.004-05:00

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Why did you come home? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-02T07:16:00.000-05:00

Why did you come home? : Its-hilarious

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

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Husbands, lawn mowers? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-02T07:14:00.000-05:00

Husbands, lawn mowers? : Its-hilarious

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

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Is this her first child? : Its-hilarious

2012-02-02T07:13:00.000-05:00

Is this her first child? : Its-hilarious

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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The Lord turns on the light for me. : Its-hilarious

2012-02-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

The Lord turns on the light for me. : Its-hilarious

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup.

The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man.

"I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

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I can climb anything!

2012-02-02T06:18:00.002-05:00

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Is there life after death?

2012-02-01T22:07:00.000-05:00

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S O M E T I M E S : Its-hilarious

2012-02-01T09:37:00.000-05:00

S O M E T I M E S : Its-hilarious

Sometimes....
when you cry..
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes..
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories

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Wife got ready in 10 minutes : Its-hilarious

2012-02-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

Wife got ready in 10 minutes : Its-hilarious

Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

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Having a good skill, pays : Its-hilarious

2012-02-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

Having a good skill, pays : Its-hilarious

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1, Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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The Chief's Dilemma : Its-hilarious

2012-02-01T09:32:00.000-05:00

So the Medicine man says give him one pill every 5 hours and come back to me in a week.

The son comes back and says "Big Chief no fart!"

So the Medicine man says "give him 2 pills every 3 hours come back to me tomorrow!"

So the son comes back the next day and says big chief no fart!"

The Medicine man says "Really! Give him one bag of pills every hour come back to me tomorrow!!"

The son comes back the next day and exclaims, Big Fart.................No Chief!"

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My Teddy bear!

2012-02-01T06:11:00.003-05:00

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Manly wise : Its-hilarious

2012-01-31T15:30:00.000-05:00

Manly wise : Its-hilarious

A man, who surrenders when he's wrong, is HONEST.

A man, who surrenders when he's not sure, is WISE.

But, a man who surrenders when he's right is a HUSBAND!

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Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious

2012-01-31T15:29:00.001-05:00

Marriage certificate : Its-hilarious

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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